Everything is alright

I remember before the end of high school I was so ambitious and full of life. That changed soon after. By the time I got my degree I was a grey, 144p version of myself. 

I knew one thing though. I was not going to follow the same path that so many people walk. That’s it. I didn’t really know much else. I was just too afraid of the unknown. Paralyzed.

So let’s go back in time.

I “woke up” in the winter of 2016, when I was working at my first job in a small startup.

The CEO was fucking incredible. He had a few other projects as well, having employed like 20 people. I had the feeling that he wasn’t talented whatsoever and yet he knew everything. He was undoubtedly and unbelievably inspiring, and had a work ethic I have never seen before.

He is the reason I opened my eyes. In the next few months I quit smoking after 8-9 years, I did online courses on Udemy, I started to read books every day, and I even started doing sports. I’m not sure sports was because of him, I just got like 10 kilos heavier after quitting smoking. (Imagine my face with my 175cm being almost 90kg😅)

Instead of being that grey “whatever” guy I became an active, inspired, full of life person. Talking about who you surround yourself with…

After getting my degree I lost track again. I started to work as a marketer in a bank (yeah I know…), because that’s the only place I got an offer from. I needed money to stop taking my mum’s money at fucking 23.

After working there for a year I started to work as a self-employed marketing specialist from 2019. Hello flexibility. Oh and hello shit ton of stress.

I started to religiously go to the gym. But not why you would think. 

I have anxiety. 

Sometimes it’s because I think my breathing is too loud. Or other times when it’s dark and I think I did nothing that day to progress. I have anxiety when people look at me. (Sunglasses often solve that problem) When people are waiting for me at the queue to finish whatever I needed to do. When I just simply fuck things up. Or when I don’t know how to do things which I have never ever done before. Fucked up, right?

It all changed when I got diagnosed with testicular cancer at the end of 2020 summer. Anxiety would have been a luxury I didn’t have. The survivor instinct has kicked in.

Fear. Doctors. Hospital. Papers, hospital again, tests, hospital, CT scan, liquid wrong hole arm grow double feinting, happiness because the cancer didn’t spread. Imagine those fucking days. Thoughts like “What am I going to do if I have 6 months to live?” became hourly regular visitors.

And then the day before the surgery. Feeling alone. Actually being alone because of those fucking Covid restrictions. Fear. Fear. Fear. Helplessness.

Honestly, I don’t remember talking to anyone. Not my then-girlfriend, not my mum. But I do remember crying when speaking to my Godmother. Yes, crying!

Crying while eating an apple. Crying outside eating my last dinner. Crying watching the last sunset. Crying in the shower looking at my body knowing it will never be the same from the next day.

But then something clicked. 

Standing under the shower I saw myself a month from now. That person smiled back at me and hugged me so hard I could almost feel it. He said that everything is going to be alright. And I believed him. I felt unconditional love. I understood. I knew at that moment that everything is alright. I accepted that this had to happen. And from the next day I will be completely healthy. So this is how that nightmare changed into one of the best things in my life in like 5 minutes.

My approach, my attitude have changed. My aura and energy have changed as well. And I felt it in the people around me. They reflected this back at me.

I had no idea for a while why people keep smiling at me on the streets, at restaurants, everywhere. My doctors, insurance agents, everyone I knew, they all had a different approach. I don’t think they felt sorry for me. It was just honest positive energy towards me. Maybe they felt my energies. Saw the stars in my eyes.

I have never ever had the thought of “why me?” even for a second. 

Negative thoughts had no place in my head. Everywhere else they fucking dominated, but here I was the boss.

I was looking for positives from the first second of hearing “You have testicular cancer”. Feeling cancerous” is a strange feeling and only those know who had it. Mainly I felt sadness and simply lost trust in my health and my body. But from that second something switched on inside of me.

Awesome! I don’t have to check my testosterone levels when I get older! I can sit comfortably. I can take hot baths for days. And honestly, balls look fucking stupid. Really! Don’t they? I always took a different approach in things. Away from the crowd. I am me. And you know, maybe I lost an organ. But I gained so much more.

A few months after surgery my doctor asked if I want to have an implant. If I want just one or two. I said are you kidding me? This is me. Having artificial balls would make me feel like I have something to hide. Fuck that. 

This is me. It is my body. The surgical scar will always be there. I have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing to hide. Because nothing is missing. I didn’t lose anything. But I gained so much more.

I learned to love my body. To adapt to its new challenges. And I’m healthy. The universe made sure I have this experience at the best possible time. With the best people next to me. With my mum, her sister, my brother, and my then-girlfriend who I still believe was sent by someone from up there. 

I don’t think that what had happened to me is bad. It happened. And I am grateful for the experience. That’s it. Moving onto the next one.

I know that everything is alright. Always has been. This is my journey. And I am so proud of myself. I consider myself a hero! A warrior. And now I know that I can handle anything. The best part? I always had this strength inside of me.

Now I believe that I’m in the universe’s debt. And that debt is paid by being happy. And honestly, I think happiness is a decision. Is there a better debt to have?:)